Hunting We Shall Go
by Josatex
Summary: Who let that Mary-Sue into Alagaesia? Tameera's got to find out before Alagaesia comes to a pleasant and sugary end. She's also got to track down and obliterate the Sue in question. It started as a oneshot, but mutated horribly. T only for language.
1. Chapter 1

The fantastically beautiful girl looked around the emerald green forest she had landed in.

"Oh, what a pretty forest! I wonder if there's anyone else here!" Jasmin Unicornia Rosepetal Narinda Kittycat Aurum Fairysparkle got up and looked around. It was a very green forest. It was full of trees and grass and plants and

[The Authoress couldn't continue writing this due to an indestructible case of severe giggling]

-5 minutes later-

[Okay, she's good now *snicker*]

[By the way, the purple prose has been continuing for the last five minutes]

[Yes]

[Five minutes of redundant text and dying trees. Well, not trees because this is the internet, but it's the thought that counts]

Jasmin Unicornia Rosepetal Narinda Kittycat Aurum Fairysparkle gave a delicately perfect gasp and put a perfectly manicured hand to her mouth.

"I must be in Alagaesia! I get to see dragons! And, more importantly, Murtagh!"

[Yes, she is a Murtagh fangirl. Flee!]

"Oh this will be so much fun! I can't wait to see Alagaesia! The movie was really good!"

Alright, the Authoress is now homicidal, due to the fact that she **mentioned the movie. In a positive way.  
>No one ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever everever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever everever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever everever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever everever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever mentions the movie. NEVER.<strong>

With a suitably awesome and cliché explosion, the Authoress herself appeared, smashing the Fourth Wall to bits and causing thousands of tiny hairline fractures in the space-time continuum. Great going, lady.

[Is the Authoress going to have to hire a new narrator? Get on with it!]

"What the Chuck Norris is going on here? Who the fudge let a _Sue _in Alagaesia!"

The contrast between the two was obvious. The Sue had golden locks and giant sapphire orbs of light, whereas Tameera had boring mousy-sort-of-dusty-looking hair and boring, small eyes. The Sue had a simpering, beautifully fine-featured face, Tameera had plain features that, frankly, looked rather bland.

"Who, me?" asked the blatant Mary-Sue. "I'm doing nothing wrong, you scruffy, horrid little beast. Why does everyone have to be so mean to me? Everyone hates me because I'm beautiful!" she started crying perfectly-shaped tears of sadness and despair. Oddly enough, her face stayed pristine, with no red splotches or squidgy eyes.

"Your very existence is wrong, you sick little b****. I don't know who created you or why, but I swear, when I find them I'll drop them into an endless ocean of banana pudding, which shall be infested by carnivorous dolphins. Now, defend yourself!"

Tameera pulled a lightsaber from her waist and swung the blue blade at the Sue as fast as she could. Theoretically. Unfortunately, because life insisted on screwing her over, there was a little clip on the handle (which attached the lightsaber to her belt) that she had forgotten to undo, resulting in a semi-hilarious scene with her tugging futilely at the lightsaber and some not-appropriate-for-the-rating-on-this-fic-or-anyone-under-15 language.

She mumbled under her breath, "_Why _does that never work when it would be most dramatic? It always works in the movies! F-you Hollywood. I mean really, I spend twenty minutes practicing that flourish in front of my mirror, and the one time I need it… wait… where'd the Barbie doll go?"

The Sue had disappeared somewhere between the lines of the previous few sentences. Tameera had just one comment about this unfortunate occurrence.

"Awww Shi-*barely censored in time*"

In addition to that, she still hadn't gotten her lightsaber free.

**A/N: Yes, new story. Progress will be slow, but it should be interesting. I wonder how many people immediately closed this story because of the first few sentences. As for my other stories, 'Wait a minute' Is on hold for an unknown amount of time and 'Tameera Goes to Alageasia's progress will be very slow. I assume the plot bunny for the latter is hiding under my bed with the obligatory monster and several single socks. The plot bunny for the former got ran over by a semi and is barely clinging to life. **


	2. Chapter 2

"… Well, now what?" Tameera asked, peering around the Sue-less forest. The only sounds were birds and a bear mauling some presumably-innocent bunnies (circle of life, people). Tameera looked around a bit, then quickly averted her eyes from the fluffy carnage. She looked at the sky, which was mostly blue with a few small clouds around the edges of her viewpoint. I think they're called cirrus, right? Or is that cumulus? I'm not entirely sure…

[Shut up, for the love of god, shut up and move the goddamned plot along, before someone flames this!]

Well you don't have to be so snippy about it.

[I will end you]

"Hello? I need a plot twist."

"**WHAT'S THE MAGIC WORD?"**

"Parsnip Pudding with Sprinkles on top."

"**PLEASE STAND BY WHILE WE FULFILL YOUR REQUEST."**

Cue the Jeopardy theme music.

Approximately five minutes later, Tameera heard the flap of leathery dragon wings, distant but approaching.

"Knew it," she muttered, checking her bag to see that she still had her supplies (If you're interested, her 'supplies' included, but were not limited to, a pack of gum, a Swiss army knife, the blue lightsaber which had been exiled to her bag for disobedience and lack of awesomeness, a kiwi bird named Steve, a notebook, a dozen or so pencils, a bookmark, some hair ties, an Irish Pennywhistle, a library card, and several grenades I have no idea how she gets through Customs with).

A red dragon landed roughly 10 feet from her. The helmeted man on top of it jumped down to speak with her. Yes, it's Murtagh. Yes, he was not pleased to see Tameera (See 'Fun Ways To Irk', and 'Tameera goes to Alagaesia' for the various reasons why). Yes, he tried and failed to decapitate her. Yes, there was a hilarious scene involving fruitcake and 3 tissue boxes. Wait… whoops, my bad, scratch the last one. That was what happened at a party I went to last Sunday. I had no idea flamingoes liked Pepsi so much…

[You know what? Fuck you. I'm getting a new narrator]

[Where were we? Oh, right. Tameera met Murtagh, he started to have an emotional meltdown, she informed him about the sue- oops, she hasn't done that yet]

"Murtagh, there's a Sue loose in Alagaesia."

"So? What does that have to do with _me?_ I don't care about some stupid Mary-Sue. Satan's Spawn can do whatever the hell she wants, so long as it's annoying you."

"She's one of _your_ fangirls."

"I'LL HELP, I'LL HELP, OH GOD, JUST KEEP IT AWAY FROM ME, I'LL HELP!" He started crying. Wow. Severe emotional scarring, perhaps? I have no idea what from. Honest.

"Spectacular. Let's just go get Angela and Solembum and we'll be off then, hmm?"

"*whimper*"

"I'll take that as a yes. By the way, Thorn is now our designated ride."

_Do I have any say in this whatsoever?_

"Don't be silly, of course you don't. Now, can you please grab your rider and maybe get him to stop twitching? It's rather distracting."

-A rather long and arduous flight with plenty of awkward silences and fear later-

"Yay we're here!"

_Get away from me. _Tameera ignored him and continued on to Angela's purple tent. She started to knock, then jumped back as Angela walked out of the tent.

"Hi!"

"You are doomed."

"There's a Sue loose."

"I'll kill you after her. I do have priorities."

"'Kay. Have you seen Solembum?"

"Yeah, he's in the tent, trembling and pretending he doesn't exist."

"That's nice." After a long and somewhat redundant series of events, the four of them, Murtagh, Angela, Solembum, and Tameera, were on the red dragon. That was when Angela asked the crucial question:

"Does anyone have the slightest idea where we're going?"

**A/N: An update? Surely not!**


	3. Chapter 3

"Nope, I haven't the slightest idea as to our destination," Tameera said cheerfully. "Any opinions?"

A cringing Solembum spoke up, looking everywhere but directly at Tameera. "Well, that spawn of Satan is apparently a Murtagh fangirl, so probably wherever Murtagh's supposed to be."

"That makes sense… Where are you supposed to be, Murty?"

"Stop calling me that and I might just answer."

"Fine then. Sir Fluffiluffigus, have you any idea as to what your current location is supposed to be?"

"Fuck you."

"Language!"

Angela cut in, not wanting to prolong the madness. She's no fun. "He's supposed to be in Uru'baen."

Tameera shot an annoyed look at her. "You ruined what should have been a perfectly good session of witty banter. Well, it was either witty banter, or me scarring Sir Fluffiluffigus for life. I honestly can't tell the difference," she said, shrugging in confusion. Tameera then produced a mildly threatening glare. Or I'm sure it was supposed to look mildly threatening. She looked more like someone had just kicked a cat in her immediate line of site. Thus, it was about 7.521 times more frightening. "I'm afraid you'll have to pay for this horrendous crime with either your soul or the somewhat fractured remains of your sanity. Your choice."

Silence.

Then Solembum spoke up: "Okay, seriously, this is getting old."

"What is?"

"Your threatening everyone. It really isn't doing much, and whenever you do follow through with your somewhat unorthodox threats, you appear to be a Sue with weird powers or something. And now you're going to stand up and pummel me for insulting you. I wouldn't recommend that, however; we're on a dragon flying at roughly thirty kilometers per hour, and knowing the authoress, you'd start to plummet to your not-death. You know, because some conveniently awesome event occurs and saves you. Also, it's typical Sue behavior."

Tameera sat down. "I'm going to sob quietly and pretend I don't exist now."

"Good luck with that."

The rest of the ride was spent in a very awkward silence, punctuated only by Tameera, who, true to her words, was quietly sobbing while pretending she didn't exist.

They eventually arrived at Uru'baen. Murtagh made Thorn go hide like Eragon always does with Saphira in the books, and Solembum morphed into a little boy. No comment.

"Gods, I hate this city," Angela said, distaste all over her ageless features.

"How do you think I feel? I grew up in this smelly hellhole! Then I was tortured to the brink of madness by some crazy bitc- oops. Sorry." Tameera paid no attention to them. She was still sulking. Well, not exactly sulking. It was a little more dramatic than that, but since I either don't know the word for what she was doing, or I'm too lazy to think about it and-

**BAM**

[The authoress apologizes for the long-winded narrator; please stand by while we hire a new one]

Oh god, the pain! I've never seen so much blood in all my life!

[Quiet, you!]

**BAM**

I had no idea my neck could bend like that!

[What the... you should be dead!]

Power of the Narrator, bitch!

**BAMBAMBAMBAMBAM!**

Heheh, I look like swiss cheese… I like cheese…

[Oh, you know what? Fuck this.]

*lightsaber sound repeatedly*

[Hah.]

I'm not… quite dead yet.

[Yes, you are. Shut up.]

I'm think I'm getting better.

[Monty Python, really? Now that's just sad]

*Narrator dies quietly*

[…back to the story]

Anyway, Tameera was being quietly sad. Now, I have the option of breaking her down with a huge sobfest, Angela being sympathetic and nice, her puzzling over life's mysteries and eventually becoming a pathetically wimpy person with those silly little things called 'morals' etc. Also, I personally shall lose all respect I have for her.  
>Or we can get on with the story with her being awesome and going back to her normal(-ish) self. Your choice.<p>

**A/N: Well? What do you guys want? Seriously, tell me in a review. My personal preference is the same old Tameera, but if it annoys you, speak up.**


	4. Chapter 4

"Well, according to the few reviews we got, I get to be a psychotic, mentally unstable nutcase again! Yay!"

"I think the authoress was strongly biased," grumbled Solembum at the jubliant Tameera. He was looking uncomfortable in his tunic and trousers. Angela had knit them. They had feathers, iguanas, and skeletons sewn onto them. In colours like purple, neon orange, and puke-green. Yet again, no comment.

"What do you mean by that?" asked Tameera.

"Obviously, she likes you better as a raging force of unatural nature. It simply wouldn't be as fun with a boring, reasonable OC."

"Will you two _please_ stop breaking the damned fourth wall? We did this more than enough last chapter, and frankly, it's getting old," said Angela from where she was examining a sign.

Murtagh was looking increasingly twitchy.

"What's your problem?"

"I hate crowds."

"Relax. No one will recognise you. I think…,"said Angela.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Um, you might want to have a look at this sign…" The group conveged around the sign Angela had been looking at. On it was a surprisingly accurate picture of Murtagh, with a nice-sized bounty posted below.

"Oh. Crap muffins."

"This could be bad."

"Son of a b-*censored*"

"I say we turn him in." They all stared at Solembum.

"What! It's a large amount of money, and I'm fed up with all his whining!"

"Why you furry little piece of *censored*!"

"Technically, I'm not furry right now. Go die in a hole."

"*censored* you!"

"Stop it! Stop it now, or I'll feed you both to a turtle which I've genetically modified to devour everything that comes within three feet of it!"

"…That's awfully specific."

"And you're awfully thick. No, we are not giving up Murtagh, for two, make that three, I've just thought of another, reasons. First, he's too mopey and I enjoy making him mopier. Is mopier a word? It ought to be… Anyway, second, he might be useful. As bait. Third, why do you need the money from the bounty anyway? You're a cat! You eat mice, you sleep, and you act like you're better than everyone else. What else do you need?"

"One of those scratching posts with the dangly balls and little huts on pillars."

"_What?" _When even the resident crazy person thinks you're crazy… give me a moment to think up something clever.

"I could knit you one!"

"Uh, thanks, Angela, but no. I suddenly changed my mind."

"Sorry to interrupt this fascinating conversation, but aren't we supposed to be Sue-hunting?" They all turned (in perfect synchronicity!) to see Elva boredly gazing at them.

"Oh god, not you," said Murtagh, looking paler than normal. Pansy-ass. Then again, it is Elva…

Elva grinned in a very not-nice way at him, revealing a mouth full of surprisingly pointy teeth. I wonder how she does that? Maybe she files them or something. Or maybe she just has a seriously kick-ass dentist. I wanted to be a dentist. My mom said I should be a narrator though. I haven't a clue why. I mean, you'd think it'd be the other way arou-

[**NUCLEAR EXPLOSION WHEREVER THE NARRATOR IS]**

**[**Back to the _shabla _story]

"Yay! Elva!... Why are you here?"

"Because I hate Sues, and I want to make something bleed. A lot."

"Slightly creepy, but good enough for me!"

"So, how exactly are you going to go about finding the Sue?"

"We were going to walk around aimlessly for a little bit, then maybe go to a pub and start a bar fight with some drunk soldiers."

"That is the absolute worst plan I have ever had the misfortune to hear of."

"I think Solembum, Tameera, and Elva are underage," said Angela.

"Well, scratch that idea. I hate liquor anyway. It all smells like rotting fruit and organic matter. Not nice. Plus, I'm drunk on life already. Coffe's nice though. For some starnge reason however, my friends won't let me near it. I wonder why... Oh well, not important! Hey, Elva, what's your favourite flavour of muffin?"

"…_Seriously? _No, no seriously? How the _fuck _are you guys even still alive? I'm shocked no one's tried to mug and/or murder you all yet!"

"But they have," said Tameera serenely. "Look down that suspiciously shady alley we just went down."

Elva looked.

There were at least two dozen people clutching cauterized arm, wrist, or leg stumps.

"…How in the _hell…_"

"Lightsabers kick ass."

**A/N: Doo-dee-doo, please review… hey, that rhymed! On a side note, _I NEED THE FOURTH BOOK! _And I really do have a muffin poll. It's on my profile, and it has been for the last three or four months... maybe I should make a new one... naw.**


End file.
